This is a soulless, log effect-fire of pastry technique, but I have to admit – 672 pork parcels later and I am still enjoying myself
The Amazing Dumpling Cube (£14.12, Ocado.com). A flatbed of multiple-hinged pastry-pod cutters. Folds and seals filled dough squares.
It’s deliciousness, cubed. You do the math(s).
“Let’s make dumplings cool” is the strange message engraved on the pastry cutter. You may as well start a campaign to make man boobs cool. Dumplings are the antithesis of cool. But why need comforting things be edgy anyway? We’re already slouching towards the kind of world where overgrown idiots drink vodka out of hot-water bottles, or injure themselves playing extreme pooh sticks. So I’m suspicious of the Dumpling Cube. It looks like a Borg ship, for starters. (For those too cool to ask, the Borg are a zealous race of cyborgs who seek to assimilate all life into a technofascist empire. Which is still better than a trip to the Apple store, because it’s free.) Unfolding the cube and laying it flat, there are four clam-shaped pits, over which I lay a small square of pastry. Actually, I don’t. I’m used to making moist doughs, which are unmanageably sticky, prone to bunching or ripping when rolled too thin, and my hands are too hot. Many filled-pastry products can be made in the Dumpling Cube, all of which I fail at: instead of samosas, I get some “no sirs”, empanadas are closer to empa-“na-ah”-das, and my wontons are simply wrongtons. But I improve. The cube itself works quickly and consistently, folding dough squares, expelling air and trimming to shape. The results lack the pretty pleats of gyoza or momo. But I love the chunky snap of its Rubik’s cube construction, its mail-order magic kit feel. If you’ve got kids you could set them up as a production line, pressing out Chinese dumplings for your dinner four at a time, and they would love it. I tried this on myself, and, 672 pork parcels later, was still enjoying myself, even though I knew what I was up to. In fact, I’m writing this on my break, and have to get back. I hate to admit it but the Dumpling Cube is … kinda cool. It has my allegiance and soon it will have yours too. Resistance is futile.
The dumplings do look a bit boring. I found crimping the dough with a fork imitated hand pleats; a soulless, log effect-fire of pastry technique.
A factory floor, staffed by children. (Dude, not cool.) 4/5
