As brunch-based injuries spike, so do sales of pointless utensils – but I can’t review common sense, so here we are
The KitchenCraft 5-in-1 avocado tool (£8.99, amazon.co.uk) is a double-ended multi-tool comprising a cutaway scoop, a serrated blade and a clamping jaw. Used to access and prepare avocado flesh.
Can’t perform basic tasks without inadvertently self-harming? Now you avocando!
The avocado craze was always ripe for parody, but now things are legit ridic. Hipsters have taken to drinking lattes out of the shells. Millionaires use them to belittle the less privileged. (Stop eating avocado on toast if you want to buy a house? As if houses are simply further down on the same menu!) Perhaps most disturbing is the reported spike in “avocado hand”. When I heard about avocado hand, I pictured an aristocratically styled villainous Mexican wrestler, but it’s a serious problem. People attempting to cut stones from the soft fruits are finding it too easy – it’s literally like sliding a knife through nature’s butter – and stabbing themselves. Even Meryl Streep, famed for her versatility, has injured herself getting to the good stuff. It’s like a Jungle Book lyric. I’m not judgmental, but if you can’t remove an avocado stone without chopping off your hand, there’s something wrong with you. I’m talking to you, Meryl. (And, statistically, a lot of you at home, too, so this is awkward.)
I can’t review “common sense and a spoon”, so here is a 5-in-1 avocado tool that lets you “de-stone, scoop, mash, slice and cut”. “Slice” and “cut” are synonyms, but whatever. The gadget is shaped like a shark, for no reason. The adjustable, toothed clamp closes like jaws and the blade cover has a dorsal fin. (If you are going go to that kind of effort, why not call it the Great White Lunch Maker?) The blade is sharp. The scoop scoops. Mashing the creamy green works fine. The stone clamp, slid by thumb, is flimsy, however, and easily detaches itself. A spoon is better. Or a knife, used with care. Or your bare hands. I dare say a toe. This is a shark-shaped waste of space and money, but if you have enough of both to spare, open wide. The device mostly works, which is a shame, since it doesn’t need to. If you’re considering buying this monstrosity, avowordwithyourself.
That’s the guac sorted. But how will I sprinkle the salt, or remember which end of the fork to use, or know when I’m hungry? The struggle is unreal.
Hardly Sophie’s Choice. 2/5
