I make kimchi, which keeps for a year, but it won’t because I’m eating it every day with everything. It’s a beautiful thing
ReCap Fermenting Starter Kit (£24.99, 2tech.co.uk). Bung-mounted, waterless airlock and glass jar, within which wild yeasts anaerobically convert sugar in submerged food to lactic acids.
Millennials are more obsessed with gut health than their grandparents at their weekly walking group.
Remember when those yoghurt adverts first piped up about friendly bacteria? I didn’t sleep for a week. Friendly, my ass. “THEY’RE TRICKING US,” I told anyone who would listen, ie no one. “I’ll definitely ingest some ‘friendly bacteria’ after I’ve downed these gregarious flu germs and volunteered for a socially progressive UTI,” I muttered (again, to absolutely no one). It’s even worse now – you can’t move for sickeningly healthy young people preaching the benefits of fermented foods, containing Lactobacillus acidophilus or Bifidobacterium bifidum. They might as well be telling me I need more Boutros Boutros-Ghali first thing in the morning.
I associate fermentation with fizzy hummus and, if I’m honest, bodies on CSI Miami that have been left to decompose in a swamp. But – removes sunglasses like David Caruso in order to make a serious point– it’s how we’ve preserved food throughout human history, guys. Microorganisms produced during fermentation are the probiotic, friendly kind, helping to regulate digestion, fight disease and optimise cell health.
I bravely order this starter kit and make kimchi, because it’s easy. Shred a napa cabbage, add chilli, brine, push down in the jar so it’s covered, then … leave out for a month? Yup. The one-way valve allows CO2 to escape, while preventing oxygen and contaminants from reaching the cabbage, so it can’t mould. The flip–top lid makes the jar resemble a sports bottle of chunder, but it really is zero-maintenance – there’s no daily “burping” and I can easily unscrew and test for taste; when it’s tangy enough, I push the lid down and refrigerate.
The kimchi keeps for a year – but it won’t, because I’m eating it every day in rice bowls, wraps and scrambled eggs. It’s beautiful. I now have a kefir, ginger bug and my old sourdough spoiling away, which occasionally feels like living in a giant petri dish. I don’t care. I’ve found a way to eat more and be healthier. There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark Hill, and long may it last.
Apparently, pro- is nowhere, and prebiotics are actually where it’s at. You will never be healthy.
Drain the swamp; Daddy’s hungry. 4/5
